"its ok, come sit down they aren't all monsters" her warming voice easing my nerves.But the rumors and speculation i had heard about this place swarmed my head,canceling out all other thoughts "24 hours behind bars" "treated like animals". i would need to strong,keep my guard up at all times; i didn't want to make friend with these people. sitting alone in the corner next to the window,my mind seemed to shut down closely followed by my eyelids.i pressed every button i could think of to try and restart it but my efforts were in vain and i feel asleep unaware of my surroundings.
* * * *
"Johnny go to your room now!"her voice echoing around the house.Now it was daddy's turn...
"you think your so clever calling the police,well johnny's staying with me". mummy's turn...
"shut up hes my son and ill tell him what to do" mum replied. it was daddy's turn again.
"thats your problem you always (bleep) telling me what to (bleep) do and I'm you (bleeping) husband" daddy said a swear word so he misses his turn.over to mummy...
"thats because your always drunk" mummy again...
"its over Greg, im taking johnny and leaving you until your clean"now daddy could come back...
"thats what you think!"daddy shouted
i think mummy must have been cheating because daddy got his "mans drink" and chucked the bottle at mummy's head,she fell on the floor.the policeman came and chased daddy around the house(must be playing tag now).Mummy got taken away in the ambulance and then they brought me to this place called a foster home.Daddy said its where the weird kids with no parents go and that if i didn't behave I'd have to go there.The lady came to pick me up and as i walked through the doorway one last time i stared out the window longing to see my mums little red ford pull up and save me.
****
"johnny, johnny!!! wake up"the care worker said.
my head jolted forward as i sprang back into reality."your room is this way"she finished and slowly lead me away.as i walked out of the room im glanced out the window one last time longing to see my mums little red ford pull up and save me.
Hey, Sparky,
ReplyDeleteThis is well paced, and effective. The ending especially is powerful, and it's a good story.
There are some aspects of your writing that aren't a controlled as what I've seen in your other work, but it's mainly in picky areas like spelling. 'i would need to strong,keep my guard up at all times;' needs to have 'be strong' or 'keep strong' there.
Similarly there's a consistant mistake with using 'your' or 'you' to mean 'you are.' To mean 'you are' shorten it to 'you're.' I know this is picky, but it's something I had to learn, and the sooner you can the better.
Good comparison of the brain to a computer in 'i pressed every button i could think of to try and restart it but my efforts were in vain and i feel asleep unaware of my surroundings' but change 'feel' to 'fell' too.
I also thought the observation of 'Daddy said its where the weird kids with no parents go and that if i didn't behave I'd have to go there' was great - it's a detail that really works well. Good stuff.
It's also cool that you've thought through your description from a child's point of view. Using the rules of the game in the argument, such as 'think mummy must have been cheating because daddy got his "mans drink" and chucked the bottle at mummy's head' is very effective, and well executed.
Similarly, and as a last point, your detail in 'i stared out the window longing to see my mums little red ford pull up and save me' is very moving. I'm not sure, in such a short piece, that you should repeat the phrase twice in the same way. Maybe change the last line to something like 'the little red ford wasn't there' - so it's the same image, but told in a different way.
Well done again. Take care,
Andy
Hello Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI love the sentence in your story: “Daddy said it’s where the weird kids with no parents go and that if I didn't behave I'd have to go there.” You’re showing so much in this once sentence, such as a reason the narrator resists talking to the other kids in the foster home; you show that the father is incompetent, mean, and threatening.
I also love the image I get with the following sentence: “The lady came to pick me up and as I walked through the doorway one last time I stared out the window longing to see my mum’s little red ford pull up and save me.” In fact, I like this sentence so much that I think your story should end there, and you could delete the few sentences after it. The last section you currently have doesn’t bring anything new to the story, so it could be deleted.
In the middle section, there’s a sentence that begins “I think mummy must have been cheating” which, the first time I read it, I thought mummy was cheating on daddy, like having an affair. But I realized then that the narrator thinks his parents are playing a game. I think you should make "the game" clearer at the beginning of that section.
Also in the middle section, it wouldn’t hurt to add more description of what the characters look like or what the house looks like in between the dialogue.
If you rewrite this draft, pay attention to some minor typos, and try to use more consistent capitalization and punctuation.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions.