iambic pentameter
It was the bond that we could only see
When time was not of use to me and you
How time can change is up to us two now.
trochaic tetrameter
We were always bonded by trust
Now though,she has left, trust is gone
Now i am left to fight alone.
dactyl trimeter
Trust is forever forgiving me
Giving a hand when i need it most,
Trust only holds the deserving hand.
anapest dimeter
With trust broken, most flee
Only love can survive
Since love can conquer all.
quatrain/iambic pentameter
When you left me there was no trust in you
You said i was a helpless fool in love
You said that this was all just deja vu
The rest far too hurtful to talk of.
quatrain/anapestic tetrameter/trimeter
One decision in time can destroy all the trust
Learn from experience, you must
O so simple it may be yet some become lost
To the meanest trap of all, your trust.
i got mixed up with the last stanza 8^) i thought it would be a good idea to put trust on the end of each of the first and last lines, then structured the anapests around this but i realised when i finished that if i did all the lines would rhyme if you get what i mean...
ReplyDeleteHey carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteThis is a difficult assignment, which I think you’ve done extremely well. With only a few minor exceptions, you’ve stayed with the assigned scansion, meter, and rhyme scheme in all six exercises. I'm impressed. You stayed consistent with a theme throughout each of the exercises, and you chose an appropriate picture to tie them all together. It seems like you’ve put effort into this assignment or maybe you just have a natural poetic talent!
Only one or two suggestions for you. For the first and second lines of the trochaic tetrameter, it seems like “trust” should be the accented word since that is your theme. You could try to rearrange the first line somehow, maybe begin the line with “trust” to ensure it will be accented. For the second line, you could do something like: “she has left and trust is gone now” which keeps the accent on trust.
I just read your note about the last stanza. I think is still turned out ok, except the third line reads a bit awkwardly. Maybe take another look at that line.
But overall, well done.
thanks for the comment but could you highlight the errors for me please, so i can review them for next task? thanks again!
ReplyDeleteHey there again,
ReplyDeleteI’ll try to comment on your exercises one-by-one, which I'm happy to do since you asked for more specific advice. Though I will warn you that poetry is not my area of expertise, and because I'm American (and speak with an American accent), I may naturally accent different syllables in words than you do. But I’ll give it a try!
1. No errors here, though if you reworded slightly, it might flow even better:
It was the bond that only we could see
When time was not of use to you and me.
How time can change is up to us two now
2. I put an accent on “trust” when I read this, which throws off the meter – think of ways you could rearrange the 1st and 2nd lines, for example, line 2 could be: “she has left and trust is gone now”
3. I want to place an accented syllable on “most” in the 2nd line, so it might be worth taking another look at that line
4. 3rd line reads more like an iambic trimeter. Could change it to something like: “Because love conquers all” which emphasizes the words “love” and “all.” 1st line is a little off, too. Could rearrange to “When trust breaks, most will flee.”
5. The 4th line may need work. As it is now, it reads like this: the REST far too HURTful to SPEAK of, which is not iambic. I think the problem lies in the phrase “too hurtful.” Try other words that might match the meter a bit better.
6. “One decision in time can destroy all the trust” is a great line, both in content and meter.
2nd line, for me, begins with an accent on “learn,” which makes it not anapestic. I mentioned in my other post that the 3rd line reads awkwardly, which I still think it does, though as far as I can tell, the meter is consistent. The 4th line, “to the meanest trap of all” sounds like a combination of anapestic and iambic.
Hope you’ve found these comments more helpful for your rewrite! I’ll look forward to reading your next task.
thanks for the comment ill re-read my attempt and have it posted soon!
ReplyDeleteExercise 1: nothing to add to orange's excellent and detailed comments.
ReplyDeleteExercise 2: As orange says, trust needs emphasis. Also, line 3 appears entirely iambic (not trochaic)
Exercise 3: Other than the issue with 'most' raised by orange, these are great!
Exercise 4: Line 2 is spot on - but see orange's comments for Lines 1 and 3...
Exercise 5: Check out orange's comments about Line 4 - but otherwise this is fine (as long as you realise the meaning changes through stressing YOU and ME in Line 1 - i.e. you are BLAMING them for doing the leaving...)
Exercise 6: As orange says, you need to replicate Line 1's perfect anapestic rhythm elsewhere in the quatrain.
Some excellent work here: good luck with your redraft for Task 18! :)