True paradise lies within the home
The beauty of it all is unimaginable,
Whilst it might be different for some,
To me, it's the best place to come,
I lay there in my bed
watching the night skies,
The day passes by,
we come to realise
My dreams
Of paradise
I think this one might be worse than the first. LOL
ReplyDeleteThe first line starts well (with two iambs):
ReplyDeletetrue PARaDISE...
and it ends well too (with two iambs):
...withIN the HOME.
But, in between these iambs, there is one solitary syllable. Swap 'lies' for 'is found' and the line works perfectly:
true PARaDISE is FOUND withIN the HOME.
Line 2 works brilliantly UNTIL your last word:
the BEAUty OF it ALL is UN...
But then your final word is cluttered with too many syllables.
Instead of 'unimaginable', how about 'hard to beat':
the BEAUty OF it ALL is HARD to BEAT.
Line 3 is not really working iambically at all, I'm afraid.
Line 4 is almost there, apart from the emphasis on THE in the middle, which is awkward. Although it would change the rhyme, how about:
to ME there IS no BETter PLACE.
Line 5 = perfect
Line 6 = only 5 syllables (not 6) and the stresses fall awkwardly.
Lines 7 and 8 should be dimeters (i.e. two feet - and FOUR syllables).
Line 9 = fine
Line 10 = iambic, but is TWO feet when it should be ONE.
Does that all make sense? :)
It kinda makes sense
ReplyDeleteThx sir