Analyse the world 'til it explodes
thats what always happens 'twixt my ears
I anticipate a heavy load
shoulders bearing nought but futile fears
ANaLYSE the WORLD til IT exPLODES
THAT'S what ALways HAPPens 'TWIXT my EARS
I anTICipATE a HEAVy LOAD
SHOULders BEARing NOUGHT but FUTile FEARS
Brilliant grasp of trochaic meter, and without sacrificing an ounce of content either. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI do, however, STILL think your poems could benefit from some punctuation... And I can't help thinking the likes of "'twixt" and "nought" might be a little archaic and obsolescent for your diction here... :)
whats diction? :-0
ReplyDeleteDiction, in its original and primary meaning, is the term for a writer or speaker's distinctive choices in vocabulary and style of expression.
ReplyDeletei lyk it... gd job *french accent* jonah :)
ReplyDelete