Through moments of hate, the silent night. Is home to the being of no ashamed. That wolf. Each beady eye, to the right. That hunter. Body to the ground, abilities tamed.
Your first one was SO much better - both as a poem and as far as the rhythm is concerned.
Not trying to be critical, it's just that your edit moves further away rather than closer to iambic meter - and the language and metaphor etc come nowhere near the brilliance of your first attempt either.
Enough from me though. See what the others say. :)
My edit.
ReplyDelete:)
That's quite true sir.
ReplyDeleteI did admire my first version rather than the second.
o.o
Ah well.
I'll have to wait and see..
Your first one was SO much better - both as a poem and as far as the rhythm is concerned.
ReplyDeleteNot trying to be critical, it's just that your edit moves further away rather than closer to iambic meter - and the language and metaphor etc come nowhere near the brilliance of your first attempt either.
Enough from me though. See what the others say. :)
I prefer the first attempt aswel
ReplyDelete:-) I know that IAMB thingy is important but still the first was better :-)