I am funny and tall and pretty shy,
Light brown with golden hair that shines
Sharp black crystals for my twinkling large eye
Bubbling personality that’s full of surprise.
i AM funNY and TALL and PREtty SHY
light brown with GOLDen hair that SHINES
sharp black CRYstals for my TWINKling large eye
BUBBling PERsonALIty that's full of SUPrise
Let me rewrite your second version to show where the trochaic stresses would fall:
ReplyDeleteI am FUNny AND tall AND preTTY shy
LIGHT brown WITH goldEN hair THAT shines
SHARP black CRYstals FOR my TWINKling EYE
BUBBling PERsonALitY that's FULL of SURprise
Line 1: You don't end with a catalesis, but have 5 trochees instead. Get rid of your first "and" though and this line is perfect: "I am funny, tall and pretty shy"
Line 2: You are one syllable too short here. Why not add ONE word as follows? "Light brown skin and golden hair that shines"
Line 3: Get rid of the word "large" and this is spot on: "Sharp black crystals for my twinkling eye"
Line 4: Get rid of the words "that's full of" and this would be perfect too: "Bubbling personality surprise!"
So, with just a few minor changes, your poem could be perfect, as follows:
I am funny, tall and pretty shy
Light brown skin and golden hair that shines
Sharp black crystals for my twinkling eye
Bubbling personality surprise.
Why not re-post this as "Sadz (edit)"? :)