Preying, stalking, seeking, the silent night. Husky sounds of rancid breathing, heartless. That wolf. Each beady eye, shining twilight. That hunter. Body to the ground, tameless.
Glad that I didn't miss out on this weeks post, I quickly wrote this poem simply after watching Silence Of The Lambs. ;D I personally think that this is not one of my best pieces, for I had to rush it. But your views would be appreciated. :D
In many ways, brilliant. I love your use of language and metaphor.
And you have the requisite 10 syllables too. But are they all ordered iambically? Sadly, no.
Look at your first line, for example. It starts with three DUM-dee feet (trochees) as opposed to dee-DUM iambs. Your last two feet in this line are perfectly iambic though: the SIlent NIGHT.
Your second line consists of FIVE trochees (instead of five iambs).
Your third line starts with three IAMBS, but then slips into two TROCHEES at the end.
Your fourth line: four IAMBS, but then a trochee to finish with...
Look at it closely, and see if a redraft is possible in due course, taking account of these comments...?
Glad that I didn't miss out on this weeks post, I quickly wrote this poem simply after watching Silence Of The Lambs. ;D
ReplyDeleteI personally think that this is not one of my best pieces, for I had to rush it. But your views would be appreciated. :D
In many ways, brilliant. I love your use of language and metaphor.
ReplyDeleteAnd you have the requisite 10 syllables too. But are they all ordered iambically? Sadly, no.
Look at your first line, for example. It starts with three DUM-dee feet (trochees) as opposed to dee-DUM iambs. Your last two feet in this line are perfectly iambic though: the SIlent NIGHT.
Your second line consists of FIVE trochees (instead of five iambs).
Your third line starts with three IAMBS, but then slips into two TROCHEES at the end.
Your fourth line: four IAMBS, but then a trochee to finish with...
Look at it closely, and see if a redraft is possible in due course, taking account of these comments...?
Okay sir.
ReplyDeleteI'll work on it now.
:D