Its glistening eyes shine throughout the night, Until day breaks and night begins to fall. It again reveals its beauty; so bright, With its silhouette perched up on the wall.
Great attempt, and closer to the elusive iamb, but you've only cracked it in line 2.
Line 1: glistening = if you say this word out loud, notice how you only emphasise the FIRST syllable. Therefore, poetically, it is a DUM-dee-dee word (otherwise known as a dactyl). Used iambically, you are effectively asking us to read it "its GLISTenING eyes...", whereas, properly, it should be "its GLISTening EYES" - which would break the iamb. What about something like: "Its fiery eyes illuminate the night"? Line 3: See how, read iambically, this would sound "it AGain REveals ITS beauTY so BRIGHT" whereas reading these words properly would sound "it agAIN reVEALS its BEAUty so BRIGHT": dee-dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-dee-DUM (which is FOUR feet - anapest, iamb, iamb, anapest). How about this (if you can forgive my use of the word pulchritude???!!!): "Again it shows its pulchritude; so bright..." Line 4: Again, the stresses fall in the wrong place, a problem which could be solved by a slight rearrangement as follows: "Its silhouette perched high upon the wall"
Hope that all makes sense. Well done, and keep persevering! :)
If you do attempt it again, do so as a NEW post (rather than just editing your first attempt)? That way, visitors will be able to see both - kind of a 'before and after' sort of thing...?
Great attempt, and closer to the elusive iamb, but you've only cracked it in line 2.
ReplyDeleteLine 1:
glistening = if you say this word out loud, notice how you only emphasise the FIRST syllable. Therefore, poetically, it is a DUM-dee-dee word (otherwise known as a dactyl). Used iambically, you are effectively asking us to read it "its GLISTenING eyes...", whereas, properly, it should be "its GLISTening EYES" - which would break the iamb. What about something like: "Its fiery eyes illuminate the night"?
Line 3: See how, read iambically, this would sound "it AGain REveals ITS beauTY so BRIGHT" whereas reading these words properly would sound "it agAIN reVEALS its BEAUty so BRIGHT": dee-dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-dee-DUM (which is FOUR feet - anapest, iamb, iamb, anapest). How about this (if you can forgive my use of the word pulchritude???!!!): "Again it shows its pulchritude; so bright..."
Line 4: Again, the stresses fall in the wrong place, a problem which could be solved by a slight rearrangement as follows: "Its silhouette perched high upon the wall"
Hope that all makes sense. Well done, and keep persevering! :)
lol thanks sir... i think i might attempt this task again
ReplyDeleteIf you do attempt it again, do so as a NEW post (rather than just editing your first attempt)? That way, visitors will be able to see both - kind of a 'before and after' sort of thing...?
ReplyDeletethat was very good, (better than mine)but i cant really tell if you made a mistake because i got too many in mine. but on the whole it was excelent
ReplyDeleteI really like this one. Beats mine by a mile or 2 (LOL) Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the way that you described the cat and thought it was a good poem.
ReplyDelete