Life is a box of insults set in glass,
My mother is fuelled by her burlesque past
Whilst I stand by and watch her freedom pass,
My friends are my foes all in one big cast.
Jim was my hope; my love for him was back
I thought Jim and me would forever last.
Tom was my glazier for when id crack
He was my ally for when I was lost,
The sins that I was stuck with,he had my back
He would protect me whatever the cost.
The one thing that mattered to me was Jim
Now he leaves whilst I sit there, im lost
For no man shall and watch my life by
All this warfare, whilst I watch their lives fly.
i really dont know what this is like but i tryed my best,
ReplyDeletewell 50-50
p.s sir i havent posted before the deadline because my internet was dead.
sory i just realised that mines 16 lines lol
ReplyDeletei put the coup;et at the end of the 14 lines
That was such a sweet poem.Well done,I was great.
ReplyDeleteRight... I'll break my comments into two halves.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, your use of language. Brilliant! "Life is a box of insults set in glass" "My mother is fuelled by her burlesque past" "Tom was my glazier" These are, quite simply, extraordinary pieces of poetry, of which any professional poet would be proud!
Secondly, however, the iambs. You have managed iambic pentameters in the following lines: 3, 5, 8 and 10. Lots of the other lines are VERY close, but the odd trochee just breaks the rhythm ever so slightly (e.g. Line 1 = 1 trochee and then 4 iambs).
As I've said to the others, check the next podcast for more assistance.
the iambs were TOTAL guesswork sir, i think im becoming a mini monolouge making machine.I must of done it subconsciously... lol
ReplyDelete