(Two middle-aged country farmers sit at a bar in the local country pub.)
Jim: tell you what this beats shovellin horse shit any day.
Fred: you can say that again.
Jim: how are your horses by the way?
Fred: oh you know the norm.
Jim: still trying to mount you every time you enter the stable?
Fred: ‘fraid so.
Jim: that’s a first. Gay horses.
Fred: not the only gay creature on my farm I tell yer,
Jim: please I’d rather not know.
Fred: well if one day you come to visit me, keep your eye out.
Jim: I will.
Fred: o yes did I tell you about my new combine harvester?
Jim: since when have you had that?
Fred: since Mr. Briggs died.
Jim: really?
Fred: yes.
Jim: that close was you?
Fred: I suppose so, yes.
Jim: oh well, I must be going.
Fred: hang on you’ve not even finished your drink yet!
Jim: I can barely stand now!
Fred: if you must then…
Jim: cheerio! Oh and by the way. Good luck with those horses.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your take on country stereotypes and the crude but funny imagery. The opening is a good one liner and the overly affectionate horses well rendered. At times when playing with cliches it is easy to cut it a little fine, but I think you avoid any problems by a whisker.
I wasn't sure what to think when Fred says 'not the only gay creature on my farm', what does he mean, himself? Also what role did Mr Briggs have in the lives of these characters? I would like to see more about that and also the private life of Fred and Jim.
You do need to work on the punctuation, use commas to separate phrases. At times the dialogue is forced 'Oh you know the norm' would a farmer really say that? Doubt it. If you gave this a more specific location, West Country, Norfolk, wherever, you could make use of dialect and slang. I think the origin of accents is really interesting and could be of use to you. This link might help: http://www.bl.uk/learning/langlit/sounds/index.html
Still, an enjoyable read.
S.
PS. I also really like the title.
ReplyDeleteHi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteVery funny and unique concept for your dialogue. I am left wondering if Mr. Briggs is the other “gay creature” Fred mentions, and maybe he and Mr. Briggs had some kind of romantic relationship that led to him leaving his farm equipment to Fred after Mr. Biggs’ death. If that was your intention, that’s very interesting and subtly done.
I agree with what Simon has written here about making use of dialect and slang – I think that could make your dialogue even more realistic and stronger. I also agree with what he says about paying more attention to your punctuation – it can really affect how you read a sentence.
The ending feels a little abrupt, like you thought it was getting too long so one character has to get up and leave. I’d like to see a smoother ending – the farmers could both be done with their drinks and leave, and you could still keep the last line about good luck with the horses. Just a suggestion.
Overall, this is good, original work, as always. Well done!
Not a lot to add, really. I agree that your ending is perhaps a little abruptly reached, and that your main character's sexual orientation is perhaps a little oblique. But, nonetheless, this is a refreshingly lively, believable and original piece...
ReplyDelete