Naseemah: Why not?
Dad: Because I said so.
Naseemah: Oh, and that sorts it does it?
Dad: Yes it does and do not use that tone of voice with me.
Naseemah: But all my friends are allowed to go. It’s only Walthamstow.
Dad: I don’t care what you friends get up to, no daughter of mine is going to be hanging around shops.
Naseemah: Why not?
Dad: Because I said so.
Naseemah: No! I want a reason.
Dad: I gave you a reason; I do not want you to go out.
Naseemah: It’s Mum isn’t it?
Dad: No!
Naseemah: Yes it is! Ever since mum has died you have done nothing but made me feel suffocated.
Dad: That’s not true.
Naseemah: Yes it is and you know it. It’s okay for you. You’ve lived your life. It’s me who is stuck at home with nothing to do while my friends are out enjoying themselves.
Dad: There are plenty of things to do in the house.
Naseemah: Like what exactly, cooking and cleaning?
Dad: No, you’ve got a computer in your room-
Naseemah: I don’t want a bloody computer!
Dad: NASEEMAH!
Naseemah: All I want is to be able to live my life and have fun and I’m not allowed that. I don’t want material possessions.
Dad: I don’t know what to say.
Naseemah: How about ‘Yes Naseemah you can go to Walthamstow with your friends’
Dad: How about ‘no you can't.’
Naseemah: It’s so unfair!
Dad: Life is unfair.
Naseemah: But Hasan can go out whenever he likes.
Dad: He’s a boy.
Naseemah: That’s sexist.
Dad: Oh that’s what you call it these days.
Naseemah: Meaning?
Dad: All I want to do is to protect my fourteen year old daughter and then I am branded as being sexist. Well if I don’t want my daughter to go out but I let my son who is 6 years older than her to go out then I am a sexist.
Naseemah: That's not the point!
Dad: Then what is?
Naseemah: The point is Dad, you can’t keep me confined in the house all my life. Sooner or later you’re going to have to get over mum being murdered and give me my freedom.
OMG, that was so touching i wanted to carry on reading... feel so sorry for the Gal omg.... Nice job though :D:D
ReplyDeleteThank you
ReplyDeletewow! dat was really powerful. you showed the relationship between teens and their fathers. hes so over protective but you understand why at the end. i dunno whose side i'm on - i can understand both points of view. eally good well done :D x
ReplyDeleteHi Shingingstar, this is a good piece. I like the fact that it opens with a question and there is already a conflict happening between the two characters; that makes a reader intrigued instantly. Two less good lines stood out for me: ‘Ever since mum has died...’ and at the end, ‘Sooner or later you’re going to have to get over mum being murdered...’. These seemed too explanatory – addressed to the reader/listener more than from the characters. I’d suggest thinking about how real dialogue is often a bit less explanatory, a bit more oblique, and try to redo those lines so that we can more easily believe that they are coming from the characters not the author. As readers the conversation between father and daughter is well-written enough to be interesting even without knowing the dramatic backstory, so you don’t have to make it explicit.
ReplyDeleteHi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI suppose this is continuing similar themes to your last piece and they are definitely worth exploring.
In comparison to your monologue the sentence structures are much better, your accommodation of them and the greater variety really shows; you are making the words work for you so really good work!
However, you shouldn't get carried away in the opposite direction and need to concentrate on punctuation and sp. In this passage for instance: 'Dad: All I want to do is to protect my fourteen year old daughter and then I am branded as being sexist. Well if I don’t want my daughter to go out but I let my son who is 6 years older than her to go out then I am a sexist.'
Also, the Dad's 'voice' really comes across but Naseemah sometimes reads a bit bland, it can seem that her only purpose is to serve as his antagonist. She is raising lots of important points but I would like her to have more personality, be more idiosyncratic I guess.
There is certainly a big twist at the end, not sure how relevant or fitting it is to the rest of the text though, it might be a little at odds with the main theme(s). I do like the deceptively straightforward title that conceals it.
Overall this is well balanced and you have packed a lot into it, in what is a really limited space so should be pleased. Good stuff.
S.
Thanks for your comments. I'm glad that I managed to include a variety of sentence structures in my writing which was what I wanted to achieve.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment you gave me. :)
ReplyDeleteI love yours too, it was really really good.
Keep it up! xD
This is convincing dialogue, and very well-written (and structured). And I am impressed by how hard you are working to simplify and vary your sentences too. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI think what it lacks as opposed to the Tiny Plays in THE GUARDIAN is a) a comic/surreal edge; and b) an original and powerful finish (yours is fine, but appears a little flat/unsurprising). Have another look at the exemplars from last week and see if you can see what I mean...?
Ok, will do.
ReplyDelete