John: Ahh now that's what I like to see. A delightful plate of traditional British fish and chips served with a nice pint of beer. Top nosh!
Joanne: You make me sick... If only you knew the truth, the truth of how those poor little innocent fish live their lives.
John:The only stage of their life that interests me is when they're lying on my plate surrounded by crispy golden batter, smothered in vinegar and coated in Heinz ketchup.
Joanne: (laughing) Whats next...? (impersonates m&s advert) This is not just fish, this is M&S fish.
(Both start laughing. John begins to tuck in and lets out a satisfied groan)
Joanne: First they take the inculpable illiterate infant away from its mother and put it in an isolated facility.
John: Nice try but i bet you a million pounds that you could never ever put me off my grub. Oh and I prefer the young, as the adults tend to have codworm.
Joanne: Afterwards they continuously force-feed the helpless fish, fattening and plumping it up ready for serving.
John: Well who pays for a fish that's purely skin and bone. Now I know why you sympathise with it. Look at you: you're wasting away.
Joanne: Finally they will kill the fish by a fast, heavy blow to the head and/or spiking (using a narrow-bladed knife to penetrate and then destroy the brain).
(John pauses eating, still with mouthful of fish in his gob. Looks at Joanne. Smiles...and continues eating.)
John: Like I said, nothing you can say can put me off my food.
Joanne: Oh, I forgot to tell you. Seeing as Smelly, our adorable little puppy, is being toilet trained, I haven't had time to get a potty so i used the vinegar pot. I was going to throw it away but seeing as you like your fish soaked in it I might as well not buy one now.
(John spits out his fish and runs towards the bathroom. Joanne laughs)
Joanne: Please make all cheques payable to Joanne Thomas...
Finally - you've posted! :)
ReplyDeleteYou might have to wait a while before the moderators comment, since you're way past your deadline here. But it was worth waiting for: this is great. It's witty, original, thoroughly engaging and perfectly structured. This is you at your best, and it's a joy to read.
I love the idea behind the vinegar surprise, although I'm struggling to work out how a dog could use a vinegar bottle as a potty!? Is that wholly realistic? Although I recognise that the success of your scene depends on this.
And, lastly, you will notice that the version posted here now is free of careless, silly, basic spelling, punctuation and grammar errors. I have gone in and corrected everything, so that you can see what your work CAN be like. As it was, whilst the scene itself remained brilliant, there were SO many basic errors (with things like capitalisation at the start of sentences and of the pronoun 'I', spelling of 'their', and other basic things about which you should know better) that they spoilt the overall effect.
You simply must be more carefully with your technical accuracy. However gifted you unarguably are, that is nothing without accuracy - and the examiner will think the same too...
Now make sure you post on time next time - you came within a whisker of losing your place on the theatre trip, and on the workshop in general...
Hey,
ReplyDeleteWell done. You've made something that has a nice amount of edge to it without being so nasty that an audience can't take guiltless pleasure in it.
The voices spar with each other really well. It's a good exercise to have two people escalating their opposing views, and you carry it off well here (I like the 'the only stage of their life I'm interested in...' line especially. Funny stuff).
I'd try to be a bit more open with your setting. Just a line at the start to say 'on a sofa' or 'in a chip shop' and a little bit of character decription (just age and gender will do) would help you here.
Also I think the payoff with the 'vinegar' works well, but you can be more blunt than having to explain the stuff about using it as a potty for the dog - you could just have Joanne say 'there's dog pee in that' while he's shaking it, and then have him gross out. I think the abruptness - that sudden reversal of power - would serve you well. The audience shouldn't be allowed to see it coming - it's too good for that.
Well done all round really. That's just picky bits. I look forward to your next piece. Take care,
Andy
Hi Sparky
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm late posting this, but I only found it when scrolling down to read Task 23!
I really enjoyed this scene. It was shharp, witty, believable and well observed. Including the M&S soundbite of their wearying ad really grounded this in the now.
I like that however distressing Joanne's comments are, John will not be put off eating his fish. His morality is not as hers is and as a couple (?) this could spell problems for them in the future.
With this in mind, there could be more of an edge to what Joanne doesw at the end of the scene.
The dog pee as vinegar in the bottle - what if Joanne was just lying about it being dog pee? John's reaction shows us that Joanne's earnest and moral persuasions do nothing to stop him eating the fish, yet a more personal and gros comment leads to an immediate abandonment of meal! This is the 'bite' in your narrative, and I would like to see Joanne getting a much sharper, vindictive pleasure about finally achieving her aims, albeit through more devious means.
But really enjoyed it!!
Keep up the good work.
Best wishes
ann g