(a 15 yr old boy, walks down a scruffy road with a school bag slung around his shoulder, he looks into camera as he speaks)
I don't know what I would do without the shuffle on my ipod. Everywhere I go each song seems to narrate what's going on, or what I'm feeling. The perfect example of this is the other day when I was in Liverpool St station and suddenly Hunting for Witches by Bloc Party comes on and then the whole of the station starts zooming around and I feel like I am the only one who isn't zooming around. It's kind of like a score for a film, and you imagine yourself as the protagonist telling a story, soaking up the atmosphere, and as the music reaches its climax and so does the scene, then the next track comes on. So, I guess that it’s not the music that narrates it’s the music that changes the way you narrate your own life.
(He turns a corner still looking into camera intensely)
Sometimes if no one's looking I start lip-syncing the song, like in a music video; like Richard Ashcroft in the video for Bitter Sweet Symphony; that’s the kind of song that can really make you feel like the main character, sweeping melodies with intense droney vocals. If I am in a really good mood I might even dance a little, like the other week I was walking home and as I passed St. Marks, and the swing version of Smells Like Teen Spirit comes on I start dancing like the Jets and the Sharks in West Side Story, when they are circling around each other bending over and doing those over the top clicks and turns.
(He turns another corner)
My family have always communicated through music -or puddings- you can tell when my dad is in a good mood because he flicks on Elvis -Elvis Costello not Elvis Presley-he refers to Elvis Costello as Elvis to signify who he really thinks is the king. I have a theory my dad was like me, Elvis started becoming popular around the time my dad was my age, I think that my dad liked his teenage years and that’s why he plays Elvis when he's sad.
(He walks through his school gates)
My mum on the other hand was more of a pudding woman.
(He sits on a bench in the playground)
That's why whenever she was happy or pleased with me she brought home a sticky toffee pudding and ice cream.
(The bell goes and he gets up and starts to walk up the stairs)
Ever since mum pissed off I guess my dad has soaked up her pudding duties.
(He enters his classroom)
He hasn't mentioned anything about mum since she went to visit her sister
(He sits down)
The only reason I know that he's sad is because, in the evenings, he sits in front of the computer eating ice cream and listening to Emerson, Lake and Palmer.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteIt's cool to read this again, and you've done well to tighten things up with the picky bits of spelling and grammar. I was at Liverpool St Stn. recently and I can see how that scene would fit perfectly :)
Something has emerged which I should have warned you about before: semi colons. For stage or screen writing (unless it's a direction) they're shunned completely. You can't have an actor worrying about whether they should do a pause like the sentence has ended, or a quick breath as if it's a comma (and actors are enough of a worry already without them thinking about stuff).
So, yeah - I'd ditch all the ';'s. I think here you could get away with dashes - like you did with the brackets - or even better use full stops and commas, cos they won't confuse.
Well done taking stuff on board with this. It's ace to really throw yourself into redrafting - it's what a huge chunk of the writing process is about, and also one of the most painful, so you'd do well to get used to criticism and redrafts (I won't say to 'like' them, cos that's too far:])
Again, before I finish, I should say that this piece is great. There's something about choosing someone from around your own age to write on which makes all the language and subject matter sound really natural and enjoyable. Well done, be proud, and good luck with the next piece,
Andy
Hi Naboo,
ReplyDeleteYou already know that I'm a fan of this monologue. I agree with Andy that it's an accomplished piece of work, and I'm pleased that you've kept in all my fave bits!
In terms of further improvements, I think you could get away with paring the language down in places. I think that sometimes, when you're concerned about clarity, you have a slight tendency to over-explain. For example, in the first section of your piece, the narrator says; 'The perfect example of this is the other day when I was in Liverpool St station and suddenly Hunting for Witches...' I think you could scrap the first part of the sentence, and go straight into the example without a preface. So it would be, 'The other day, I was in Liverpool Street station and suddenly...'
I reckon a little bit of additional tightening up would make this a much easier piece for an actor to perform as well. Maybe you should read the whole thing aloud, act it out, and see which lines you find easy to deliver, and which are more of a struggle.
But I really do think that this is lovely work. It's a wonderful monologue.
Helen
Not much to add really. I agree that this just gets better and better - but I think that, if nothing else, you need to take on board the point about paring down the language. The first half, whilst still impressive, is significantly weaker than the second half. Look at the simplicity and conciseness of the second half, and think about why that makes it so much more powerful dramatic writing...
ReplyDeleteWell done!