Two women are sitting in a café with chicken and pesto sandwiches and coffees.
Tiff- Did you know next year Harriet is going to be offered a trip to the Seychelles. It’s a special treat they do for the high performing scholars.
Jo- Scholars?
Tiff- It’s what they call the pupils, it makes a difference in morale, even if it is mere tokenism.
Jo- Do they have an educational psychologist or something? [Laughs]
Tiff- yes, more like a bespoke counsellor, in fact Harriet has little hour long discussion sessions with her every fortnight, they talk about death, life and philosophy. It has really changed Harry’s perspective on life.
Jo- I think that’s therapy, Tiff.
Tiff- Oh Christ of course not [starts to blush with realisation] you have grabbed the wrong end of the stick my dear. [Pause]
Jo- Ellie’s doing her Guajarati GCSE early.
Tiff- Is that a religion?
Jo- No it’s a language from India.
Tiff- I thought they spoke Arabic in India.
Jo- She took an interest, when she started hanging out with Gupreet, her boyfriend’s sister.
Tiff- Oh she has a boyfriend, finally something interesting. Go on.
Jo- [she half sighs] yes, he is called Jay and he is in his first year at medical school in Mile End. He is lovely looking, and he and Ellie met when he was doing a DJ set at Fabric.
Tiff- So they fell in love over electronic beats and barbaric baselines, sounds exhilarating to say the least.
Jo- You know how hard you had to work to get that third in environmental studies, which you now use for control over the Recycling division of the women’s institute Dorking. The reason you got that third, Sharon Tiffany Jones…
Tiff- I have been called Tiff for twenty ff…
Jo- The reason you got that third, Sharon is because I spent three years making sure you wore clean knickers, taking spliffs out of your mouth to ensure that my best friend would get at least a third in Environmental studies at Middlesex Polytechnic.
Tiff-it’s Middlesex university now.
This is wonderful - you at your very best. You've captured the spirit of the task with aplomb, and your script manages to be both banal and profound at the same time. And your grasp of dialogue is highly skilled, capturing their vernacular with style and flair.
ReplyDeleteYou seem rather over-fond of the comma though, at times, but that's only a minor quibble in a task like this.
Just get it posted on time next time, please. In the meantime, I shall ask your moderators if they will have a quick look soonish...
Hi Naboo.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting. I agree with the above comment about the mixture of the banal and the profound in your piece. I think that your focus on little, specific details really adds to the effect. It seems very important that the characters are eating chicken and pesto sandwiches, for example!
I'm not sure if I quite follow the flow of the converstaion, though. Why does Jo move on to discussing Tiff's third in environmental studies? It seems to be some kind of power thing, but I'm not sure how it relates to what has come before. Why does Jo suddenly feel the urge to assert herself at this point? Has she taken offense at something?
Helen
Hey,
ReplyDeleteAce stuff. I can see you've really thought through your voices in this piece. They're different while still being believable. We'll done.
I like that you seem to be thinking about your balance of authority in the piece too. This is advanced stuff, and it's excellent that you're exploring it. For any futher peice: think through who holds the power and why at any point in the conversation, and think of exactly which point you shift it.
Here it seems as if Jo has spotted something amis in Tiff's attitude to younger people (and her general ignorance) and feels a need to assert herself. I really like that you let Tiff undermine herself with 'Is that a religion?' and 'I thought they spoke Arabic.'
I think that if you wanted to you could play with that some more - I'd like to see the line from Tiff that most offends Jo: something clearly too far, then let Tiff carry on being stupid for a bit, then have Jo interrupt.
You make your dialogue work really well for you. I'd just like to see exactly what triggers Jo a bit more clearly. Also, your handling of dramatic writing conventions in puncutation and format is brilliant, and I can't find fault with other picky bits like spelling or grammar. Well done.
Thanks for submitting this. I really enjoyed it. As always your dialogue is strong. I look forward to what you'll do in your next piece. Take care,
Andy