A young man aged between 20 and 30 sits in an old oak rocking chair, around him is the stench of rotting flesh and he sits there past midnight)
WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!!!!!!
Did this young defenceless man deserve to feel my rage and wrath? What did he do to me? Could I have stopped this from happening?
NO, NO
There was nothing more I could have done to stop myself, ah yes I remember exactly what this impotent fool done to me, he raided my wife’s riches and made her last living moments worse than the devil torturing her for the rest of her life.
BUT WAIT, COULD I NOT HAVE LEFT THIS MAN FOR THE AUTHOROTIES TO PUNISH?
NO, WAIT
I had originally gone to the police and the police reports had implied that there was not enough evidence to prove him guilty, that’s what struck a nerve and that’s what enraged me, so in reality there are multiple blames for his death not just me, NO!!! I REFUSE TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS HATRED AND TORMENT, WHY OH WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO SOMEONE CLOSE TO ME!!!!!!!!! ,First if he hadn’t done anything to my wife and let her be then I may not have gone on the violent streak after him, yes, and if the police had just done the damn right thing and put that man in prison for the rest of his life or even just given him the death sentence then I wouldn’t have need to intervene and take matters into my own hands, THE STUPID BUFFOONERY OF THOSE POLICE, HOW WOULD THEY FEEL IF SOMEONE CLOSE TO THEM HAD TO SUFFER THIS HORRIFIC WAY, I WOULD VERY MUCH ENJOY SEEING THEY’RE FACES WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THEM, yes…THOSE SHOCKED FACES AND CRYING OF THE HEART, ONLY THEN WOULD THEY TRULY KNOW HOW IT FEELS! , yes…. It wasn’t my fault It would have absolutely nothing to do with and my wife would still be here if he hadn’t picked on the wrong couple yes, everything would be normal, my wife and I would be enjoying nice strolls across the river bed and great nights together.
I distinctly remember how civilised and human I was before…..before….. this “incident”... If you saw me on the street I would’ve been the one and only person to light up your day, I would’ve lit up the room and made every second of everyday that you spent with me seem like heaven had descended upon us, and I would’ve made the grumpiest man or woman into a “Mary Poppins” of person.
THOUGH THAT MAY BE TRUE I COULD HAVE RESISTED, I SHOULD HAVE RESISTED.
I don’t know what on earth I should do, I don’t know who feels more dead, HIM or ME.
WHAT SHOULD I DO??
Life
ReplyDeleteTo broaden this out, see my comments re your previous submission.
I still want to see the body at the beginning!
You seem to have stuck with him raging against things. So if my previous advice is too much, here's an easier approach.
Just imagine him sat there with the body. Imagine an audience sat there watching him sitting there with a body. They will want to know WHY he is there with a body, WHO the dead man is to him, WHY the man is dead, HOW the man died. These are inroads into really presenting this as a strong monologue. The bones are there, but they need some flesh on 'em.
And WHY is your narrator so raging against himself, so loudly trying to justify his actions when he believes he is justified in murdering this man? It's because he knows what he did isn't right at all, it's wrong. And this is your character's voice coming out of you as a writer. However much you try to position him from your own writer's point of view, he doesn't want to be there! He knows he done wrong, despite you having him say words that say he is in the right! So go with this imagination of what he is. Imagine him sitting there distraught with this body, imagine his failure with the police, imagine him finding his wife after her violation, and let us know what he saw, what he heard, what he felt. Then we will feel more this fight he is having with himself of realising he is avenged, but realising that this revenge has not made him feel any better.
Just forget about inserting writing into text you have already typed. Instead, imagine him in the scenarios I have suggested and see him in action, listen to him, make notes on what you see and hear him do. Then your character will really begin to emerge from this. At the moment he feels for me as if he is waiting outside to be made into something real!!
Hope this helps!
ann g
Lots of good advice from Ann, there, which you would do well to take on board. What you have written has lots of potential, but it could do with further refinement - as explained in both Ann's comments, this time and last...
ReplyDeleteHi Life, I slightly disagree with some of the other moderator’s comments, though I see the reasoning behind them (welcome to the confusing world of feedback :)). You don’t always have to explain all the previous story – maybe you can hint at it though. I like the way you show the movement of thought with the capitals/normal type; it seems authentic to me that there is alternating self-justification and self-questioning in the monologue. As Ann suggests, perhaps if you make the initial stage directions/set up clearer then you can be less explicit in the actual monologue.
ReplyDelete