(Standing on the roof of a nine storey apartment, Lauren looks down quizzically, then turns to face the audience.)
turns to face the audienceLittle Lilla didn't deserve to go, thinking about it now. At that time, killing her seemed to me to be saving her. I was very confused, as you could probably tell. When Lilla's grandmother suspected a suspicious death, I saw it as an oppertunity to seek revenge on all those smart comments she threw at me. Then Matty and I had a row, obviously there would be tension and I was expecting it, what with the loss of his only daughter and his mother. However, it took a nasty turn when Matty's tone of voice suggested he suspected a bit of foul play with the unfortunate losses. So, whilst his back was turned, I plunged a dirty blunt kitchen knife into it. It provided thorough entertainment as it squidged into him, i can still remember the faint smell of pickle left in the kitchen as i cleaned the bloody floors. And as I did it, I remember thinking "bloody hell Lauren, look what you've done now. Im sure this was on an episode of eastenders once!" Soon after, the old hags in town started talking and that pissed me off too and I couldn't kill them off 'cos there were so many so I was relieved when I had a brainstorm. So my last words to you are Don't kill your kids - it's more trouble than it's worth.
(And with that, she jumps, curtains close.)
A wonderful snippet of a fascinating character's life. I am thoroughly intrigued by the set up - and I love parts like "I am sure this was on an episode of Eastenders once!"
ReplyDeleteSome of the earlier parts are perhaps a little prosaic and stilted, but, on the whole, this is great drama. If only it could have been a little but longer? :)
Hi Jaffacake,
ReplyDeleteThis has definitely changed since the last draft. You have lost a lot of the melodrama and brought in some genuinely original touches, the smell of pickle as the murder takes place, the funny dialogue, but this doesn't mean you've lost that slightly menacing feel in the character's tone, only emphasised it by stripping away the excess. Really well done.
I think focusing more closely on Lilla's fate has helped you in turn focus your writing.
I have to agree that it still reads more like prose than monologue at times and I would have liked more. The opening stage directions also need separating from the rest of the text (brackets, bold, italics?)
S.
Dear Jaffa
ReplyDeleteSorry this is such a late commentary – I don’t know what happened but I quite forgot to check wordvoodoo over the past couple of weeks. Luckily I’ve been reminded and came back in time to catch up with your latest!
Like previous comments, I’d really like this to be longer. There’s so much backstory crammed into a small space here, it can make it kind of hard to absorb. But there is some great black humour going on here – the stuff about Eastenders, the smell of pickle, showing the casual kind of way the character is reflecting on what she’s done. Also, the revelation at the final moments that she’s in fact the mother is a great twist, as we’ve been wondering all along ‘who exactly is this psycho?’
I think if you expanded it somewhat you could show us more of the character’s motivations – why did she kill the little girl in the first place? ‘save her’ from what? Also, sometimes her tone could be more natural, eg ‘an opportunity to seek revenge’ – I think real people would be more inclined to use more low-key phrases like ‘it was a way to get my own back’. You know what I mean?
Enjoy your break!
Claire
hiya, thankyou everyone for your comments, I think an explanation for the length was because I did't think I knew how to extend this character's monologue. She killed her husband, her mother in law and her daughter so I didn't know what else I could have said about it. I could have added more description to the deaths to add to the atmosphere, but I wanted the character to come across as quite comfortable with the situation therefore using the black humor combined with the lack of understanding to how serious the situation actually is. So by diluting it with description, i felst some of the atmosphere would have been lost.
ReplyDeletethanks again,
jaffacake :D