(A middle aged Asian woman is packing her suitcase, when she has finishes packing she sits and begins talking to the audience.)
I didn’t want it to end like this, but I am just a woman, I have no say. I am just here to cook, clean and look after everyone; when it comes to the marriage of my 18 year old daughter, I must keep out.
(She sighs)
I wanted my daughter to be an independent young lady. She would break free from the chains of tradition and emerge into a modern woman; she would complete her studies, have a stable career and then think about marriage. (She smiles briefly but soon it fades away)
But with my husband and his Stone Age values she can only dream of it. The most heartbreaking thing is that she doesn’t even know she is being forced into a marriage. My husband has a way with her; he manipulates her into his way of thinking in such a way that she doesn’t realise it. She says something in agreement with him and there you go (clicks her fingers) she has given her consent; after that we’re all shipped on the first flight back home just in case she changes her mind.(gives a look of disgust)
“Darling” he says. “Now that you have become a young lady, I think it is time that you get married. You may think that you are young but I assure you that this is the right age for you to get married, don’t you sweetie? Eighteen years of your life I have let you have the freedom you requested and you have had such a lovely life; a life that most girls your age would dream of and so now you owe it to me to do as I say and get married don’t you? humm?”
“Yes papa”, she said. I could tell at that very moment that she was agreeing just for the sake of pleasing her father.
“Ah that’s my girl. I knew you wouldn’t disobey your old father. I knew that you would make a good decision. Now get ready my darling we are going to our homeland to prepare for your wedding”
And there you have it. In a matter of minutes consent is given and the flight to
Why can’t he forget about what society thinks? Why can’t he take my happiness and most importantly his daughter’s happiness into account? Why does he have to ruin my daughter’s life? (Tears stream out of her eyes)
After all the things I promised myself: how I wouldn’t let history repeat itself? How I promised myself that I wouldn’t let my daughter be forced into a marriage, my words backfire. I have failed her. After all the lengths I went to ,to get her the best education money can buy, she will end up being a housewife who will have to depend on her husband. She will be looked upon as a mere object not a human being, an object. (Sniffs and does her best to wipe her tears).But what can I do. I am useless. I’m going to have to watch my daughter throw her life the way I did all those years ago. (She looks at the application form for Oxford University that she didn’t send off because she was forced to marry instead).
Even better still. :) I like the way you have taken on board my suggestions with regard to adding reported dialogue, and, whilst the number of simple/short sentences (and fragments) is still too few, you have, nonetheless, made a real effort to vary your syntax - especially with lines like "And there you have it" and "But what can I do" and "Ah that's my girl". More like that...
ReplyDeleteJust try to retain an awareness of writing like this as DRAMA for an AUDIENCE. A good test would be to get someone to read it out - perform it even - and see how well it grips the audience from start to finish, or if certain parts drag at all...
Hi Shingingstar, this works well at present. My only suggestion would be that you don’t have to make all the parts of the story absolutely explicit – the application form for example – you could hint at some of them instead. Write as though the character is talking to herself: would she spell out all the facts or assume some of them? Maybe just make it a little more untidy - the reader will still figure out the details. The interjections are nice and work well. Good work.
ReplyDeleteThank you!!
ReplyDeleteHey Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteThe additional section about the Father's manipulation of his child is a great example of the part digression can play in writing and help to clarify a story, adding substance without going too far with extraneous or irrelevant details.
I must echo the first comment here, reading out your work is a given, and one of the most important things, especially with monologue, how will you know what sounds like natural speech and what doesn't otherwise. I do think you have improved the flow with more varied sentences and syntax, the character's verbal ticks make her more believable, keep working on both of those.
This is really good though. Keep it up.
S.
Thank you!!
ReplyDelete