Two sisters attend a funeral – they talk privately about the deceased
Prudence: So [pause] what do we do now?
Patience: nothing
Prudence: what do you mean “nothing”; we can’t just leave things as they are
Patience: Why not?
Prudence: I’m not sure, I mean, do you think we did the right thing?
Patience: You’re not having second thoughts are you? [pause] Listen, we did what we had to; think of it as survival of the fittest - It was either her or us
Prudence: but …
Patience: but what?
Prudence: she was our…our sister [pause]
Patience: that doesn’t make what she did any less malicious
Prudence: but that didn’t give us the right to do this - She made a mistake!
Patience: Yeah, a mistake that cost her her life
Prudence: Are you really going to be able to live with yourself?
Patience: I clearly recall that you were a willing participant at the time, why the sudden change of heart
Prudence:
Patience: All we can do now is face the facts and move on
Prudence: Move on! We killed our sister and you want me to “face the facts and move on”! [Pause] Who are you?
Patience: [sigh] where do we go from here then - what do we do now? [Pause]
Prudence: Nothing
Hello SK,
ReplyDeleteThis is well written but to me is still a blank canvas. You have brought in some good details already about the relationship between the two characters, their indecision, bickering etc. I would add to these, give them definable traits.
I don't really see the relevance of second thoughts here, they have already committed the murder so there are no further decisions to be made, regret or guilt would be more of an issue.
I think you need to decide whether you want this to be comic or serious, and then to give the necessary humour/gravitas, fill out the plot. For example what happened to their friend and how does it now link the two characters, what kind of relationship did they have and how did it drive them to this, whay are they at the funeral?
Obviously you need to retain a level of simplicity but there is room for more detail.
I like the idea of them doing 'nothing'. Rather than having the characters say this, demonstrate it through the language.
Samuel Beckett is the master of plays in which very little to nothing happens and combining tragedy with comedy or farce, and conveying complex ideas through restricted forms. I think you might be able to get some ideas from him, better than any I could give you I reckon, especially regarding dialogue in a minimalistic situation and seemingly repetitive situations.
Hope that's helpful!
S.
Hi Scarlet-kyuubi,
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting dialogue and begins well. I feel you could leave what has happened a bit more understated – the line ‘Yeah, a mistake that cost her life’ seemed to me to take the piece out of the realms of intriguing and put it into something more melodramatic. Think about the way people who are discussing a fact known to them (if not to the overhearing, implied listener) don’t usually spell it all out. Your challenge is to suggest what they’re talking about without spelling it out either. This is difficult but possible. Beckett is a great reference; also try the Ernest Hemingway story ‘Hills Like White Elephants’; his dialogue is very obviously constructed yet presents a naturalistic image.
Hi Scarlet Kyuubi
ReplyDeleteI like the immediate conspirational tone of this, and the way you keep this whispering normality continuing throughout an abnormal situation. Straight away you get us interested in what has happened with lines such as 'what do we do now', 'we can't leave things as they are' and 'Alice always told us to leave well alone.' These are great little hooks that draw us into the drama, and you need at the other end of the line some more developments that give us a clue as to why these statements are being made.
When you write 'she made a mistake', then I want to know what this woman has done to these two that they should kill her. Are they involved in some sort of pact gone wrong? And if so, why a pact and why have things ended in death?
It's all very intriguing, and you can hint at things that have happened. You don't need to spell it out in detail.
You do not even have to say at the end that the two women killed their sister. You can suggest this. Suggesting things throughout this will make it a much stronger piece of work.
The ending is strong when the two women decide to do nothing. A great building up of tension and drama beforehand will make this decision to do nothing even stronger, because there is the sense that things could explode at any moment and not go as intended. And it will all grow in our minds!
Hope this helps.
Best wishes
ann g
The only thing I have a problem with here is the ending. You build up tension quite effectively, and we are left surmising and guessing about where this might go, and I'm not sure the ending satisfies us sufficiently.
ReplyDeleteDo you see what I mean?
(By the way, you could do much worse than follow the advice above to read some Beckett. Remind me and I'll lend you his most important play, Waiting for Godot...)