Bob: Honey... [Coughs Roughly]
Jess: Yes, darling... I’m listening
Bob: [Coughs]
Jess: Go on...
Bob: ... I ... I’m going to die right??
Jess: Don’t talk...
Bob: Yes, I know it... I’m not wrong
Jess: Don’t worry honey... don’t get yourself tired...
Bob: But...
Jess: Shhhhh
Bob: I know I’m going to die... but before I do... [Coughs] I have to confess something/s to you...
Jess: shh... you don’t have to confess anything.
Bob: Yes! I want you to know about it...
Jess: Take it easy darling...
Bob: Listen... I made love to your sister... and also to Marianne, your best friend...
Jess: Stop... [Sniffs]
Bob: ... and to Miriam, my secretary... and ... and to Rose, John’s wife... and... You should know this... since we got married, i always cheated on you. [Cries]
Jess: I know it Honey... I know...
Bob: But...
Jess: Now relax sweetie ... and let the poison take full effect...
this one left me laughin HAHAHAHA... omg i love this... relee n truly one of the bets pieces ive read... :)
ReplyDeleteLOL Thank you :D:D:D
ReplyDeleteWow! A really good plot with an amazing twist.This is like the stuff in soaps.
ReplyDeleteomdayz dat was seriously good - i thought it was comic when Bob named so many people he had slept with and i didnt see that coming at the end with the poison - seriously good thinking well done :D x
ReplyDeleteHi TeleTubbiez,
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting. I agree with the others about the twist. It's fun and unexpected, and rounds the piece of very nicely indeed. However, I think you need to make some things clearer. I thought at first that Bob was dying as the result of a long, drawn out illness. His tone - sad, but calm and confessional - appeared to suggest as much. Since he has, in fact, been poisoned, and his bad health has come on more quickly, his tone should perhaps be more urgent.
It would help too to know where the action is taking place. A hospital bed? The back of an ambulance? The kitchen floor? The setting acts as a pointer in terms of timescale. It lets the reader or viewer know a little more about the situation.
It's a delicate balancing act, really. Obviously you want the twist to maintain its humour and kick, so you don't want to give too much away, but you do need to iron out any inconsistencies to make the piece work as a unified dramatic whole. Anyway, it’s a fun, concise dialogue. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Helen
lol point taken thank you :D
ReplyDeleteComments are always going to be subjective, and two opposite opinions can both be right. And I reckon that Bob's sad, confessional tone works brilliantly, as a stark contrast to the evolving truth of the situation. The shocking juxtaposition of murder/revenge and affection/calmness is what makes this piece SO effective. And, like the best of this task, your ending really MAKES it. Well done!
ReplyDelete