(A 32 years old woman sits in an armchair, holding a picture of her 5 years old son. The room is dark and only a bit of light from the window shines through and there are her son’s toys everywhere.)
He meant the world to me (Holds on tight to the picture).Oh God, he was so young, why didn’t you take me instead? He was so young and innocent; he didn’t cause any harm to anyone. (Looks at the picture). I remember, how he always used to tell me, “Mummy when I grow up I want to become a police man.” And I would smile at him and say; yes dear you will be one day. He never got the chance to make his dream come true. All because of me. Now I regret that every moment. I can still hear his scream. (tears drop on the picture).
(Gets up from the armchair and picks up one of the toys, and goes to sit back down.)
This was his favourite toy, a little blue car, (holds the car in her hand) he wouldn’t go anywhere without it. I should have been more careful but I wasn’t and there is nothing I can do to change that now. I would do anything to get my son back, anything I tell you. But everyone says “you can’t change the past.” They don’t know how it feels for a mother to lose their child and I wouldn’t want them to experience it neither. I always thought I was a good mother but I was wrong. How can I be a good mother? I didn’t protect him, I didn’t save him. How did I let that happen? (starts to cry and gets up, goes to sit on her son’s bed).
(Wipes her tears and puts the toy on the bed). Every night I would sit here and read him a bed-time story. He used to love them and I used to love reading them to him. (picks up a book and reads the first four lines). He was so playful and always seem to be happy, he made the house alive and full of joy. He never liked to sleep, I always had to chase him around his room and pick him up, then put him to bed. (gets up from the bed and runs around the room).
(Comes back and sits on the bed). After reading him the story, I would softly kiss him on his forehead, say goodnight dear and he would say "goodnight mummy, I love you.” All that is gone now. The house is empty and dark. I’m all alone but it was my fault, it was my fault I am now all alone. I have to go through the pain for what I have done. If only I was more careful, he would be in my arms right now. (starts to cry again) There is no point in crying, it’s not like that is going to bring back my son. Is it?
(Picks up the little blue car from the bed). His favourite toy (throws it on the floor) I don’t think he would like to play with it now. He died in a car accident. I think its time I pay the price for what I did. I always said I would stay by my son, where ever he may be. (takes out a gun from under the bed). It is my only choice and that is the only way I can be with him. That way I won’t be alone anymore. I know I will be happier up there then I would ever be without him here. (puts the gun near her head). I can’t live without my son. He meant the world to me… (shoots herself and falls of the bed).
Hey,
ReplyDeleteFirstly '(gets up from the bed and runs around the room)' is fantastic, I reckon. It's so sad and so chilling to picture her doing that. Some of the most effecting writing about death works because it asks us to imagine what can't be there anymore - to play along happily for a second with a thought that compounds what is lost. And that simple action shows us her thoughts, rather than just telling them. Really well done.
Just for the sake of picking out bits - you've put 'They don't how it feels' and I guess you need a 'know' in there. And - I know you'd have seen this so appologies - it needs to be (tears drop on the picture). Also the line 'All because of me and now I regret that every moment' could be broken up with a full stop if you fancied - just to give your actress a breath and let the guilt she's feeling sink in.
I've had to read closely to spot those though - your work reads so well, and it's cools to see you've made use of objects and actions so readily. So much of good writing is decided by editing, and you've shown that you're capable of not just ironing out grammar or picky bits, but of reconsidering the whole of what you've written. Well done again, and take care,
Andy
Thank you so much for the comments you made,Andy. They were very helpful indeed and thanks for spotted them out.
ReplyDeleteI've change the few things you told me and i think its much better now. :)
Thanks again!
You continue to improve all the time, and your latest draft of this piece is simply excellent. I strongly suggest you print this out and submit it as an additional piece of Original Writing coursework. Well done you! :)
ReplyDeleteDear Angel
ReplyDeleteFirst off, sorry for such a terrible delay on this last task – it completely slipped my mind! Apologies
I like the theme you’ve got here, and as has already been said, the theme of the little toy car is very effective. Nice bit of foreshadowing, and the way it gets the more sinister kind of significance at the end is sharp.
I agree with Andy that one of the strongest things you can do with this kind of writing is hold off on the ‘revelations’ so the audience/reader is constantly confronted by the unexpected. This is only a suggestion, but it might be interesting to you to try and write it without revealing from the first line that the son is actually dead – as in, she’s obviously missing him but we don’t know if it’s simply her feeling nostalgic for when her son was small, like maybe he’s just gone off to college or something. As I say, this isn’t saying it would make it a ‘better’ piece, but it might be worth the experiment to see if you think it’s more powerful that way.
There are a couple of places where you don’t necessarily need to spell things out. For example, ‘I don’t think he would like to play with it now’ – we can see the irony in the situation already even without it being pointed out.
Good job!