(A young couple lying on a field on a summers night)
Girl: What do you think they are, all them stars out there? (Looks to the sky with a wondering gaze)
Boy: (smiles) Well, scientists have proved that they're distant planets, and other suns, and that... (pauses) but I like to think they're wishes.
Girl: (Looks at him with suspicion in her eyes) Wishes?
Boy: Yes, wishes.. (closes his eyes, apparently satisfied with his answer)
Girl: You mean, you think, like, if I wished for something, it would turn into a star? (she asks mockingly, sitting up to look at him)
Boy: Yes, and when there's no hope of wishes ever coming true, they fall to earth and crash, or simply burn out, I guess.. Just a theory.. (He begins to blush realising how fantastic it all sounds)
Girl: (smiles down at him) You're weird, but I wouldnt have it any other way
(She bends down to kiss him and they lay on their backs, side by side)
(Long pause)
Girl: So, what do you wish for?
Boy: (Long pause before answering) Mostly, I wish.. Ah it's stupid.
Girl: Ah come on! Tell me
Boy: Mostly I wish for us to last forever (He says really fast, turning red again)
(He steals a glance at her, catches her eye and looks away)
Girl: (Smiles to herself)
(There's a silence)
Girl: Oh shoot! I have to go home! Look how late it is! Oh no, my parents are gonna freak! (She scrambles to her feet) I, I have to go-
Boy: When will I see you again ( He sits up)
Girl: Um, I, Ah I dunno (She starts to walk away) I'll let you know, I really have to go, you know what they're like.. I'll call you, maybe.
(Before he can get to his feet, she's running down the hill, and then out of sight.
And it's as if all the stars had burned out in his heart that night...)
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou've made me smile with that one. Well done. You keep a focus to your drama around a fairly awesome object - the night sky - and the metaphors you carry with the idea of stars as wishes, of eternity, are ace with the context of frustrated, hard to articulate romance.
Also your grammar, spelling, conventions of stage writing, and punctuation, are, as far as I can tell, flawless. Really well done. You've taken on board the conventions used here especailly well.
I like what you've done with the nervous, romantic figure and his fairly oblivious soul mate. I think the way she coaxes answers from him works really well, and I think you could play with that more without your audience getting bored.
Particularly the part where he says 'it's stupid' could have some more follow up. Often when we write it's hard to depict a character who really doesn't want to say something, (because for drama purposes you always want them to say it :]). I also think the ending would benefit from showing that he has more hesitation around opening up to her - it makes her reaction (or lack of it) ache the audience's collective heart even more.
My only picky bit (and I'm really struggling to find picky bits - well done) is the line of stage direction at the end: 'And it's as if...etc.' I guess you mean it as narration or as a note to the actor. As a note it must be in the past tense, so it would be 'And it was as if...' (silly pickiness - I know, sorry). If it's narration you must indicate a narrator. Generally I think you could drop it completely, and if you wanted have '(looks crestfallen as stage lights go out)' as a direction maybe.
Also your girl seems a bit American with her 'shoot' and 'gonna freak' but it's not really a problem - it would be maybe if she said 'dang', but that's fine - I'm just curious about it.
Again really well done. You've shown you're understanding stage writing, and the scence you've made works impressively as sweetness that isn't allowed to get sweeter - you stop it perfectly I think. I look forward to your next piece,
Andy
Thanks Andy xD
ReplyDeleteMaybe the girl is American, I havnt decided on that yet =D
I put 'shoot' because I didn't want to use what I originally thought of 0.o
Thanks again [=
Aww.That was a really sweet piece.
ReplyDeleteHiPunk Rock Princess
ReplyDeleteI liked the way I was immediately drawn into the world of this couple, and thought the writing about the cosmos, etc, quite different! I can see that 'Boy's' world is creative and without boundaries, and 'Girl's' is more earth-bound, what with her having to dash off in case she gets into trouble with her parents. So right away you have two good opposite characters to get to grips with in a drama.
I think you could have a real play with this and be inventive simply by keeping their positions separate. Just some ideas, really, but could you not make 'Boy' more adventurous with what he says about the cosmos,even about what he reveals of his life and yet he could even need a more down to earth existence, to be settled with a life-partner. And 'girl' could sound as if she is more earth bound, but in reality is she ready for such a commitment? Even though she smiles when she leaves 'boy', I got the sense that her early exit may have been because she could not really cope (yet?) with what he had just said?
And your sudden ending also made me think that you seemed unsure where else you could go with this. (Just my thoughts, I know!!)
So I suggest just having a bit of an explore and seeing where it takes you within the interesting framework you have already set up.
Hope this helps!
Best wishes
ann g
Thank you [=
ReplyDeleteYes I shall explore xD
sounds fun
Until the ending, I love this. The way you have captured convincing dialogue and enthralled your audience from the outset is extremely skilfully done. I absolutely loved it!
ReplyDeleteI just think that your ending let the rest down. I was hoping for something a bit 'different': a twist, maybe? Or just something a bit leftfield/surreal (like in the exemplars)? But what you have is uncharacteristically twee/trite, when the rest is SO impressive. Do you see what I mean?